discovering joy in the journey

Joy to the Heart

Father of Life, draw me closer.
Lord, my heart is set on You.
Let me run the race of time with Your Life unfolding mine.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign.

Oh Holy Spirit, You’re my comfort.
Strengthen me.  Hold my head up high.
And I stand upon your truth – bringing glory unto You.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign.

Oh, Lord, I hunger for more of You.
Rise up within me.  Let me know Your Truth.
Oh, Holy Spirit, saturate my soul.
And let the Life of Go fill me now.
Let Your healing power, bring Life and make me whole.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign!

(From Hillsong)

God placed this song in my mind while I was in the waiting room, before my first eye surgery last week.  I was singing it in my mind as they put me to sleep.  It was comforting to me and helped me to focus on Christ and not on the fears that I had felt previously.  When I awoke, I cried tears of joy as I could see things in the distance as I opened my left eye and glanced around the recovery room.  I hadn’t been able to see that far away, without glasses, since the second or third grade!  I was excited as I left the surgery center in the early afternoon that day, but as day turned to night, fears crept back in.

Actually, the week between my first and second eye surgery was filled with emotional ups and downs.  It all started that first night home.  Our 8 month old was crying in the middle of the night again.  My husband went to get her as I started to fill her bottle.  To my surprise, I could no longer see the lines and numbers on the side of the bottle. That one simple task, and not being able to perform it for my baby, brought me to tears that night.  My eye was still quite dilated from the surgery and my husband tried to reassure me that everything would be better and I would be able to see more clearly in the coming days.

The next morning, at my first eye check up after the surgery, my husband and I  both realized that there had been a big misunderstanding.  Before surgery, my ophthalmologist had told us that I would need reading glasses once the surgery was over.  Being in our 30’s and not having any experience with reading glasses, we just (wrongly) assumed that meant I would simply need glasses for reading and no longer for distance.  Well when they removed my clouded lens and implanted a new corrective lens, I lost all of my ability to focus on objects from my hand to my eye.  So, before surgery, if I couldn’t read something, I could get closer or move the object closer to me and I could then see it clearly.  Now, no matter how close I move an object toward me, it doesn’t help.  It can actually make it more blurry!  I was shocked at my new condition.

In my day of despair (which I hate to admit), I told my husband that I felt ‘rendered useless.’  I could take care of myself, mostly.  I could do laundry (since I knew which buttons to push without having to see them), and I could wash dishes (hopefully well enough).  I could also rest and listen to songs and sermons (one bright spot!).  However, I had a long list of things I could no longer do, such as read a book to my child,  view a computer screen, read my watch or any other clocks, read to distinguish my eye drop medications, use the oven or microwave, read and follow a recipe, write lists (which I am always doing =) ), do school with my kids, change any dirty diapers,  fill my baby’s bottle, etc.  Even my baby’s little face was a blur to me when I was holding her!  So, strip a mother of her ability to care for her family and what do you have?   Hmmm…It depends on where her focus is…And thankfully, God changed my focus over the course of the week.

The first day after my surgery, I rested a lot and began listening to a series of talks by a retired missionary named Otto Koning.  The series is called The Pineapple Story.  It took a couple days to be able to listen to all of it, but even after the first talk, God was already convicting me!

I attempted to scribble some notes…
– Surrender your rights.
– Rejoice.  Don’t waste good problems!   (Faith in action)
– Resist the devil.   (Authority in action)
– Pray.  (Dependence in action)
– Love your enemies.   (Forgiveness in action)
– Meditate on Scripture.

And I surrendered….
Lord, Jesus, I surrender my rights to my eyes.  All I have is Yours.  I release my fears to You.  You are in control.  I would prefer to be able to see clearly again, but I want Your Will more.  What do You desire to teach me during this time, Lord?  May I bring glory to you whatever the outcome may be!  Although I feel ‘rendered useless’, help me to rejoice.

And I gave thanks…
Thank You, Lord for allowing my husband to take off time from work to care for me and our family.  You strengthened him to take on all roles, including chef and homeschool teacher.  Thank You for the opportunity to listen to worship songs and sermons.  Thank You for rest.  Thank You that I can see better in the distance now than I ever remember- without my glasses.  Thank You for  allowing me to feel the reality of Your Peace and Presence during this short time of uncertainty.  Thank You for allowing this procedure to be safe and routine in America and that my eyesight may be restored in this day and age.

I am currently typing slowly, taking many breaks.  Things are blurry as I alternate between a temporary pair of reading glasses, pulling them on and off, but I am at least able to do this much!!  There is some uncertainty as to the final outcome of my vision.  Progressive bifocals are most likely in my near future and will have good results.  We’ll have to wait at least a month or so, as my eyes continue to heal, before I can get a prescription.  Until then, I will take it day by day and choose to rejoice in my Savior.  God is good – all the time.

Let the peace of God, let it reign…

Our 8 month old is finally teething!  Last night she was screaming in pain and her daddy and I were trying our best to comfort her through holding her close, applying Orajel, giving her Tylenol, and lifting her up in prayer.  We knew she would be at this point soon.  We just didn’t expect it the night before my eye surgery!  Yes, I have a baby that is just beginning to teeth and I have cataracts.  Two things that I would never have thought should go together in the same sentence nor come together at the same time in someone’s life.  But, that is where, God in His sovereignty, has placed me right now.

As with the anticipation before any surgery, I have a few anxious thoughts – the unwarranted ‘what if’s’ that cross your mind.   I know that He will be right there with me and I have no need to fear…

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 6-7)

After the surgery, I’ll be going offline for awhile.  It will probably be a very good thing.  I am looking forward to listening to sermons and songs through my husband’s iPod – something I rarely get to do!